Cancer Sucks

27 May

05.27.2011

How many bloggers start with the promise of updating a couple of times a week (at least), and then, inevitably, a few weeks in, find themselves unable to keep that promise.

I am one of them – but I have an actual reason for going AWOL for a bit.

I am trying to keep this blog lighthearted and fun – with wry comments on parenting, motherhood, #BabyFacts, etc.

But let me be blunt and not so lighthearted right now. Cancer effing sucks.

My wee family and I took a trip to California last week to visit my family – to see my cousin, Jim, who is dying of brain cancer.

I wanted my hubby to meet Jim before he passes away (they share a lot of job-stuffs in common), and I wanted Jim to see our daughter (she’s too young to remember the visit, but there are pictures to show her when she’s older).

On only one day of our visit was Jim really aware that we were there. He blessed me, and told me he loved me, and the baby, and that he was glad to see us. He hugged me. The other days, we held hands, but he wasn’t really aware I was there, or really able to process what I was saying.

Jim is one of the smartest and most inspirational people I have ever met.

He’s won three Academy Awards. SIX Emmys. He’s a genius inventor (Cablecam, Ski Simulator), super sports guy (former competitive ski jumper), rigger, camera guy – you name it!

Then, inspiringly, a couple of years ago, he started attending Rabbinical school. He decided to slow down, as he’d worked so hard for so much of his life, and follow his faith. He told me, on his last visit to Canada (the trip that ultimately revealed the cancer growing in his head), that he was finding peace in his education.

Most importantly, Jim is a loving husband and father. He has three gorgeous children, and an adoring wife. Why do they deserve to go through this? What could possibly come of this fight, the suffering?

My heart is broken for them. I hugged each of them tight last week – I wished I could take it all away. That there was a cure. That this would be over, but with a happy ending. That Jim could devote his time to school, and family and his gigantic book collection.

And every day prior, since, and during, I have looked at our little girl and felt this fear gnawing at me. It could just as easily be one of us. It could be her having to face losing a parent, or worse yet, both. One of us facing the loss of a partner. A large part of my brain can’t cope with that.

#FuckYouCancer

There, I said it. Cancer has taken away far too many of my family members. My friends. People in my circle. I’m sick of it.

And while it’s not the most mature way to deal with a situation, swearing at it, hashtag-style, it’s what I needed to get off of my chest. It’s what I’ve been screaming in my head for the last little while, and I needed to get it out there.

#FuckYouCancer

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2 Responses to “Cancer Sucks”

  1. Kate May 28, 2011 at 3:07 am #

    I’m not really the kind of person who leaves comments but i feel compelled to,I lost my aunt in December 2010 to brain cancer,it was actually a week after i had met Amanda Tapping at a convention in Melbourne(im Australian), i hated how i got the chance to feel happiness then to loose it all just a week later,I honestly couldn’t look at pictures of that for weeks because it just didn’t seem real,i am so sorry that you have to see how heartbreaking cancer is, i wish i knew why it had to be my aunt.why it has to be your cousin. why it has to be anyone. and you’re right,hash tags and swear words wont fix it but they help.

    • jaclynmacrae June 2, 2011 at 6:51 am #

      I’m sorry to hear about your aunt. It is definitely something that is a struggle – having happiness flaunted in front of us when something so heartbreaking is happening/has happened to us. It doesn’t seem real – not at all.

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